100 Pounds 2 Lose

....in it for the long haul

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Hola
opaloctober wrote in 100pounds2lose
Hello all, i'm new, and the reason i'm here is because my fiance has given me an ultimatum- either i love about 70-80 lbs by our wedding date, or the date is off. And since i've already bought my dress and paid on a number of other things, thats a no. The last time I was weighed, which was at the dr around mar-april,. I weighed about 271. I would like to get back down to the weight I was at almost 5 years ago when my fiance and I started dating, which was 175-180, and I was a size 18-20.

Right now, I don't really have a food regimen, I try to cut out all red meat, with the exception of hamburger meat once in a blue moon, but we eat mostly chicken. I used to take Alli, but stopped after seeing no results and got tired of having an upset stomach and having that orange crap coming out of me all the time. My fianancial situation hasn't been good (i'm on SSI disability and haven't worked since 2007, and while still on SSI, I just got a parttime job that I start Monday. My best friend and her fiance have memberships aty Ballys, and i've been thinking that once I get oin my feet i'll join either Bally's or Curves. I've researched all of the gyms around me, including 24 hour fitness and fitness connection, and those are the oners i've chosen. They're decent gyms, not too expensive, offer whaty i'm looking for, and they're close to home.

So since i'm a person that really doesn't have a plan, what do you ladies suggest???

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I hope everything goes well with your weight loss and everything.... but your fiance sounds like a dick.

He says he wants me to lose the weight for my own health as well as the fact that i'm "disgustingly overweight, and he doesnt like seeing my gut hang around."

I undertand when a person gains weight and the significant other is no longer attracted to them, it's a reality you have to face when your overweight. Nevertheless, there is a huge difference between saying "I'm not attracted to you at this size" and "disgustingly overweight".

You don't have to answer this, but are you marring him because you love him, or because you've been together for so long and have put a lot of equity into the relationship?

This now makes him a Disgusting pig as well as a dick. I'm sorry that he treats you that way, you deserve better.

Is there a particular reason why your fiance has issued this ultimatum? Because I'd like to give him a fair shot before I mentally crucify him.

I use weight watchers and work out 5 times a week.

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Absolutely. I want to lose weight for my own reasons, not because someone said I had to. And, to be frank, any person who had the foolish idea of giving me an ultimatum like that would probably meet Jesus pretty quickly.

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It's really sad to me that in our society, women are conditioned to believe that someone has this sort of power of them. Or, for that matter, than ANYONE in our society has any right to take it upon themselves to humiliate, shame or guilt another person for their weight. Simply put, it is none of their business.

...yeah. Don't have a good impression of him.

Agreed.

Also, you didn't say when your wedding date was, and thus whether it would even be possible to lose that amount of weigh by then.

I really want to know his reasoning, because the way you have it stated makes him sound like a complete asshole. And frankly, if he doesn't have good a good reason(s) to give an ultimatum like that he is an asshole.

If you want to lose weight, do, and do it at a pace that is reasonable for you. Because if he thinks you're gonna go all Biggest Loser on him, yeah, it very rarely works like that.

At least you've come to the right place for support!

I don't want to bash your fiancé because I obviously don't have all the information about your relationship, but I really hope that now he’s issued this ultimatum, he’s going to be supportive and helpful like he should be.

I have to ask: are you happy with your weight? Do you want to lose for you or because you don't want to lose the money you've spent on wedding things? Because I can tell you, from experience, that nobody can lose your weight for you or make you stay motivated or proud of yourself. Friends and family (and communities like this one!) can help, but at the end of the day it's about you. Not anybody else.

I’m kinda broke, so no gyms for me. I walk and dance (I suck at it, but I love music and moving my body) and use my sister’s copy of Zumba. I just got on track again after a looong time doing nothing. My goal for right now is just to exercise for 30 minutes a day. People rave about sparkpeople.com You can get menu and exercise ideas. Good luck. Hope you stick with the community.

I'd be really curious to hear when your wedding date is exactly. Unless it's a year or more off, losing 70-80 pounds is not realistic. And even in a full year, that's a pretty amibitious goal. Generally speaking, you shouldn't lose more than 1-2 pounds per week. Anything beyond that is probably unhealthy since it's likely that you're losing water or muscle rather than fat.

As far as what you should be doing to lose weight, joining a gym would be a great start. You want to do a combination of weight training and cardio exercise. A lot of gyms will give you a couple free sessions with a personal trainer when you first join. It's worth taking advantage of that even if you can't afford to buy additional sessions, because they can teach you how to safely use the equipment and give you an idea of what kind of routine you should be doing.

If you are able to see a nutritionist, that would also be an excellent starting point. Just cutting out red meat is probably not going to do much. They will be able to teach you how to read nutrition labels correctly, show you what portion sizes are actually like, show you how to choose balanced meals, tell you how many calories you should be consuming in a day, etc.

Our date is set on our 6th anniversary:
August 14, 2010. It seems so close, yet so far away...

Myself, I would NOT get married to someone who thought I was disgusting. It is being cruel, not loving YOU the way that you deserve.

Weight is a number. I lost a whole lot of weight, ended up gaining fifty pounds back. Guess what? I still felt like crap about myself when I was a size six.


You might want to make a deal with your fiance that making progress by your wedding date is an acceptable compromise. The pressure to lose x pounds by y date never really helps in a diet.

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Is his ultimatium a concern or is about power/control? Also, is he going to be supportive of your weight loss? Do you really feel that you are ready for it? Its been my experience that ultamatiums do not work, rarely if ever. All they do is set a person up for failure. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself, not because your husband to be dictates it.

But as for things you can do, add fruit/veggies, start walking, take the stairs if possible instead of an elevator, eat more whole grain/whole wheat, drink a lot of water, have less sugary bad for you things. Also see a nutrionist it might help.

I'm NOT going to bash your fiance. Granted, giving you the ultimatum is a bit harsh, but I understand the situation entirely. My boyfriend made the same kind of deal with me. I'm not at a healthy weight (although I'm in the best shape I have been in quite a while). I don't look good naked. He wants to pin me up against the wall or pick me up and throw me onto the bed just as much as I want him to be able to. He wants to show me off to his friends and have them want me, too. He sees where I can progress to, and he's pushing me to push myself. I know he likes me for who I am, don't get me wrong - he fell for the personality before even seeing the physical. He does keep me motivated and accountable - I tell him everytime I set a new personal record - whether a faster mile, a longer distance, a shorter total time for a 2 or 3 mile jog, more reps, higher weight, weight loss, etc. And he tells me how proud he is to see me doing well. His "deadline" for me is for a reward - if I can get to a size 6 by New Year's Eve, we're going to have a night that's all about me. It works out well, because when I get there, it's also right around my birthday - so awesome birthday sex for the win!

Now for the diet part:
I've found that, when done correctly, tofu is really awesome. Portabella mushrooms also make a really nice heartily-textured meat substitute. You can get all of your proteins by combining vegetables (dark greens have a bunch of protein, and they help with iron, too). I'm trying the vegetarian route as much as possible (and eggs on their own give me NASTY indigestion anyway), opting for skim or 1% milk if necessary, whole grain breads, veggies, fruits, etc. Whole foods - organic, unprocessed, as much as possible. If I can't pronounce it, I don't want to eat it.

Exercise-wise, I go to the gym almost every day. I alternate upper and lower body strength training, and do cardio every single time. Either a two mile jog, an hour on the bike, or 4+ miles on the elliptical. Obviously, if you're not ready to push that hard, don't hurt yourself. Start slow - walk on the treadmill, bike at a low resistance, focus on toning first, increasing strength later. It took me a while before I was jogging my miles. I've been going to the gym for almost a year now, and FINALLY I can jog over 3/4 of a mile at 5.8 mph. I want to start adding in something like Zumba or belly dancing to tone my middle (the faster that goes, the faster I can get into a smaller size). The Y is now offering hula hooping classes, and as soon as school is over (I work as an after-school counselor there) I can start going to those. Swimming is a great low impact cardio workout, if you have access to a pool. Even water jogging is possible if you don't have room for laps.

You can do it if you put your mind to it and work hard. Tell your fiance that, if he expects you to be able to do this, he needs to be supportive and not bring junk food to the house, not always go out for bad food, etc. If he tries to sabotage you, then I'd call him out on the ultimatum, but if he's really supportive, you'll make it work.

And what happens if you gain weight again? Most people who lose weight have incredible trouble maintaining it. You could get sick and go on medication that causes weight gain, or be physically unable to exercise because of a health problem. You could get pregnant and have a hard time losing the baby weight. A million other "what ifs" exist where you could gain weight again and be unable to lose it, or at least unable to lose it right away. How can you honestly think it's ok for someone to condition their love and support on how much their partner weighs?

Yup! I lost all my weight hit my goal and went on medication and gained 80 pounds very fast. I was horrified and depressed and my bf at the time didnt even bat an eyelash, when i cried at him about it he told me " i didnt even notice" when someone LOVES you, they dont put conditions on it. They love you regardless. What happens if you get into a car accident and are mangled? They only love you in the dark? Demand more or you will get very little for respect and what you get out of life!

I don't think it's ok for them to "condition their love," but my boyfriend and I make each other happy - he doesn't want to see my health deteriorate because of my weight, and I don't want my time (hopefully with him) to be cut short because of obesity. He lets me know if he thinks I'm working TOO hard at the gym and makes sure I'm not hurting myself. And yeah, there are the what-ifs. Pregnancy weight, unexpected gains due to medication or health issues - but part of getting healthy now, before those all happen, is part of fighting them later. If they do happen, I'll be better prepared to kick the weight again, or at the very least, be able to look at things more clearly than I do now.

I agree, the OP's fiance does sound like a jerk now that I've read her other post. But for me, it's not going to help to have someone saying that they don't care if I lose weight or not, they love me just the same - yeah, it's nice to know they love me, but I'd rather them want to see me healthy, and adding to the delusion that you can be healthy and this fat is pointless.

Correction: people can be healthy and fat.

Ur fiance is totally an asshole IMO for saying that to you, esp after things have been purchased...is he concerned about your health or is this just for aesthetic pleasure?? Either way, calling the wedding date off makes him sound like he's embarrassed by you. I hope that you are able to get healthier, and you have our support, but I second the above, get his support too.

I think it's mostly for his asthetic pleasure, he doesnt like big girls at all, hes the type thats attracted to skinny girls, so when we hooked up at the beginning, I was pushing it. I weighed 172-175...but I held my weight well.

Hon, if that's what it is, then he's not ready to marry you. He isn't interested in who you are, but what you look like. That will not last. Looks fade, love endure. You have to do this for yourself. You have to like who YOU are and do what YOU want for YOU. I'd go so far to say that you need to take some time away from him and work on your goals. From there, assess where you want to go with the relationship, if at all.

From your icon, you look like a pretty girl. There is no reason anybody should make you feel any different. Your weight loss should be coming from your want to be better for yourself, not for anybody else.

I was 155 when my husband and I met. I've gained over 80 pounds since we've been together and he still loves me and finds me attractive. He's gained some weight too (probably 40 pounds I'm guessing, but still..) If I'd known from the beginning that he only liked skinny girls and I was at the top of his "fat" range I would have moved on long ago. I hate to sound so negative but he sounds pretty controlling. In the end it's your body, you're the one who has to live in it so do what makes YOU happy.

I won't lie, the ultimatum doesn't sit well with me. I know everyone is different and responds to things differently so for you, this could be the motivation you need to finally lose weight. At the same time, there is no telling how your weight loss will go.

When I first started out, I set a goal of getting from 232lbs to 185lbs by mid August. At my current rate of lose, I'm not going to reach my goal until Halloween. I've learned to accept this because this is just how my body works. You may not know how your body will lose weight until you get a few months into your diet.

When is your wedding date and how much would you have to lose a week to get there? Some people lose it quickly, some people lose it slowly and some people go weeks of both loss and stagnation. I'm worried that your going to set this goal, not hit your targets and cause yourself an undue amount of stress that just ends up sabotaging the whole process. Are you willing to sit down with your fiance and explain to him at some point in the future that you may lose weight, but you might not reach your goal?

I agree with you, the uiltimatum pisses me off, and he says hes given me plenty of time to already be working on it, when I brought up your points of how fast each individual loses weight. He's still holding me to this ultimatum and says I can "make of it what I will". and that was the end of the conversation. I'm not sure how fast I lose weight, i've never tried very hard to be honest, and I never weigh myself. In fact, I stay as far away from a scale as I can.

Gut instincts tell me this guy doesn't have a washboard stomach. (I could be wrong though) I think that if he's going to put this requirement on you, then you should put a physical requirement on him. Make him get a six pack, run a marathon or something. That way, the two of you could be working on the a health goal together.

As far as I'm concerned, if he is willing to set physical standards for you, you should be able to do the same for him. If he gets upset with your physical challenge, then I say you should reconsider this guy. The only guys I've ever known who have a physical requirement for women and aren't sexist pigs, are guys who workout themselves.

he says hes given me plenty of time to already be working on it

That is a sign of a controlling man. Lose all the weight YOU want, but I really hope you re-evaluate whether or not he is a positive influence in your life.

Im quite shocked by the fact that a gut who loves you wants to marry you is giving you this ultimatum. I also think losing 100lbs in a year to be quite alot.
I got married in 2007 and i gave myself a weight loss target, the wedding stress and the stress i put myself under actually made me gain weigh.
If you want to lose the weight do it for you. I wouldn't set your self the goal of 100lbs byu next august because if you dont you will see your swelf of failed, what if you had lost 62lbs (that would be an lb a week until then) i would see that as a huge achievement and i would hate you to beat yourself up over that.

Good luck with your weight loss, but do it healthy and dont put to much pressure on your self :) xxx

I am not saying this to be mean or try to upset you at all!!
First off, if YOU are not ready to lose weight and fight this battle it will not work. This has to be something you are ready to do for yourself not for anyone else.
That sounds like one of the most shittiest things a finance could say. I know if my husband sad something like that to me I would be devastated and it would make me have doubts about the relationship. I don't know you or what your relationship is like but from just hearing that you got a "ultimatum" you might want to rethink this engagement. What happens if you lose the weight and in 5 years put it back on again? Will he divorce you?
If this is what you want have you looked into Weight Watchers? Its really helping me allot. This is a awesome community with so many helpful people so you definitely came to the right place for support :)

I agree. You could lose about 200 pounds really easily!!!

Forget weight. What happens if you (gawd forbid) burn your face off or lose a limb or get cancer and develop sores and lose hair and go grey and sick looking? Will that disturb Mr. Preshus's aesthetic pleasure, then? What a turkey. Babe, you can and NEED to do better. What happens if you two have a kid who grows up fat? Will he love them less? Ditch him, lose weight because YOU want to, or don't lose it at all! My husband has done a lot of seriously asswipish things, a couple of which other people would've split over, but if he EVER spoke like that to me, he'd be sleeping in his car and we'd be splitting the house proceeds within the week. I was at my near heaviest in life when we married and he was STILL starry-eyed over how pretty I looked, that day. And he's a good looking toned boy! lol You can do better chica. For yourself.

I didn't mean to have everyone so angered over this post. My fiance sounds like a shallow, uncaring jackass, and he can be, but that's really not him. He has trouble putting things in a more soft manner, and he's very blunt. It hurts sometimes, but sometimes it's what I need to hear, even though it pisses me off and makes me wanna pack my stuff and go. He's not as hard and you guys make him out to be. He knows when he's wrong and apologizes when it's necessary. I'm surprised he has put up with my crap as much as he has. I'm no angel either, I have TONS of faults, and have put him through more than his share of hell.

Hon, we ALL have tons of faults. We're all bitches and nags and coldfish and liars and all sorts of things every now and then, but the language I've repeatedly watched you use regarding him is that of someone suffering psychological abuse. He's not always like this... I'm really hard to deal with... Sometimes it's my fault he's that way. Did you ever consider that the reason you're with him is because you've just..always BEEN with him and don't think anyone else would want you? Or think it would take too much effort to "find" someone else? Especially now that you've gained weight, dealt with illness, etc?

Look, people get married for many different reasons. Some for true love, some for lust, some for friendship, or financial security, or even reasons like green cards and credit ratings, but you sound like a girl who wants to marry for the long haul, and to be loved, supported, cherished. You can have that. You really, truly, honestly can. But it's not going to come from him. It will come from YOU. Even if you don't end the relationship, perhaps you should take a 3-6 month break and work on YOURSELF, for awhile---And I don't mean your body, but your mind and heart.

I think I saw that you (or your family) belong to a church...most churches offer (or require) premarital counseling with the minister/priest/etc. Go talk to your pastor about this. Your spiritual health is just as important as any physical problems you may have from overweight.

I lived in Texas too, and Texans don't pull punches. I'm telling you what the hairdresser, bartender, gunshop owner, and church choir lady would say. The facts. You need to love yourself more. He is irrelevant.

"and don't think anyone else would want you?"

That's exactly why I stayed in an abusive relationship for way too long, and is definitely common.

That might be true. But from EVERYTHING you have said, from the hurtful comments and the reasons why he wants you to lose weight...those are not ok. You deserve better than that.

I don't like the ultamatium thing. I would not get married to someone that could not like me for me. What if you do lose all the weight, what if you decide to have children and gain it back? Then he's gonna want to get a divorce?! Find someone that loves you for you. That kind of pressure can set you up for failure. Its mean, and it leads to self hatred. I wish you the best, but watch him. If he can't love you at your size, then what will be next? Join spark for diet help, add me Msnewme09

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